Brain Handles

The Mighty Quinn of the New York Daily News printed excerpts from my "Things Not To Say On A Date" list on the day before Valentine's Day, but he didn't know it was mine. I chatted with him, sent him part two, and he's printing selected excerpts from part two on Tuesday, February 27th.

For those of you who followed his link to this site, here's the entire list (parts 1 and 2 combined). This was written for my old humor column back in 1996, so if some of these seem a little dated, that's why.

Things Not To Say On A Date

1. "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
2. "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
3. "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."
4. "I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
5. "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."
6. "I used to come here all the time with my ex."
7. "I never said you need a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."
8. "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."
9. "I like clay. It's mushy."
10. "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
11. "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
12. "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
13. "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."
14. "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."
15. "Your sister's a real knock-out. Is one of you adopted?"
16. "For the longest time I lived with a hairdresser named Brice, but then I had this sudden relapse of heterosexuality."
17. "When we get back to my apartment, whatever you do, don't tease the pony."
18. "You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were my cutest girlfriend yet."
19. "You can trust me, I'm a lawyer."
20. "I had to break up with my last girlfriend. She welded a coat- hanger to the metal plate in her head and was using it as an antenna to read my thoughts."
21. "No, really, I read Playboy for the articles."
22. "My most painful memory? Hmmm... That would have to be when those three guys cornered me in the showers in prison."
23. "Who can blame Woody Allen?"
24. "I've been studying this new age stuff with a guy who channels Ed Sullivan. Last week I channeled Topo Gigio and told him where he could stick it."
25. "After our last date, when I got home I had this aching in the pit of my stomach. I thought it was because I missed you, but it turned out to be food poisoning."
26. "If I was a woman, I'd have Rush Limbaugh's baby."
27. "I guess in retrospect that "Clay Messiah: Parallels Between Jesus and Gumby" wasn't the best title for a doctoral thesis."
28. "How about after dinner we take a romantic stroll by the oil refinery? The fumes give you a really cool buzz."
29. "I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French restaurant. Have you ever been to Jacques En Ze Box?"
30. "I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't get into med school, so now I just pursue gynecology as a hobby. I even have my own stirrups."
31. "Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but let's say you were at some guy's house, opened the refrigerator, and saw a human head. Would you call the cops?"
32. "I'm not free Sunday. I'm going to help OJ look for the real killer."

If you'd like more humor, check out my humor archives from my old column, or the stupid thoughts section of this site.