Brain Handles

While shopping this afternoon for supplies to make my famous sweet potato latkes, I stumbled upon this new product from Kraft... ready to eat cheesecake filling. Basically a tub O' cheesecake you can eat with a spoon.

I was shocked, amazed, dumbstruck. I picked up a tub and impromptu quizzed an unsuspecting couple of women who were unlucky enough to be the closest shoppers to me. I said "ready to eat cheesecake filling. How many people do you think will skip putting it in a pie crust and just eat it straight from the tub?"

First they looked at me like I was crazy. But since I was wearing my wedding ring and had my toddler son in the cart, I guess they decided I was harmless and agreed that most people would just eat it straight from the tub. Vindicated, I put it back and moved on.

Behind me, I heard one of them say "put one of those in the cart". To which the other replied "you're kidding, right?"

This is the cheesecake version of cookie dough. Yes, you can go to the trouble of taking those last preparatory steps and bake the cookies, but there's something satisfying about just eating the unbaked dough. If you need proof of that satisfaction, let me introduce you to my friend, Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream.

But unlike the dangers of eating cookie dough, which can have raw egg in it, this is "ready to eat" and contains no egg. My son is allergic to eggs and has thus far been denied cheesecake. Since it was "ready to eat" and made to sit in a refrigerated section for untold weeks, I checked the ingredients, thinking that they'd have found a way around the eggs. They did. I can feed this to my son. But would I?

Cheesecake by the slice is dessert. There's something decadent about it. But cheesecake by the bucket is suicide. It's a race to see whether the fat-induced heart attack hits you before the diabetic coma. I'm no picture of health, but even my bad dietary habits aren't bad enough that you'll catch me in front of the TV with a tub O' cheesecake.

I thought I'd seen it all... until I saw buckets of ready to eat cheesecake filling.

Welcome to America. Here's your elastic waistband.