So around 2:48 this afternoon, I got two Sprint PictureMail alerts on my cell phone. Both were from a phone number I do not recognize and were not only pornographic in nature, but were fairly gross (involving food or feces coming out of orifices).

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I signed up online recently to get FiOS, Verizon's fiber-optic to the premises service for internet access, phone service and television service. It's a decent price. I get more speed and seriously more TV channels for around the same price I'm paying Comcast.

One hitch: the installation. They claim it will take 4-8 hours and someone has to be present the whole time. Not only that, but instead of giving you a reasonable arrival window, their window is any time between 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., so they're telling you that you must be stuck at home for up to 17 hours... can't leave... so you can get the wonder of FiOS.

I really want to get rid of Comcast. Their service gets worse and worse while their prices go up and up. But under Verizon's little set of instructions I could have an installer arrive just before dinner and be here until 1 a.m. WTF??? And not only that, but I'll have been expected to be ready to shepherd him/her since 8 a.m.

4-8 hours for installation... if that's how long it takes, that's how long it takes. But the whole thing where their installer gets to show up anytime between 8 and 5 on top of that is just ridiculous. Basically, if their installer shows up after 10 a.m., they will be asked "can you guarantee you'll be done by 6 p.m.?" If not, they will be told to leave. If they say they can be done by 6, then run into snags, they will be shown the door at 6 p.m. regardless of the status of the installation.

Now I'm not mistaking things and they're saying the "installation" window is 8 to 5. They're saying the "arrival" window is 8 to 5. So they'd better be closer to 8 than to 5 or they're going to have an impromptu cancellation.

ACME Weapons Systems would like to thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. Your estimated wait time is thirty eight minutes. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the next available representative.

Brad: Thank you for calling ACME Weapons Systems tech support. My name is Brad, how may I help you today?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Yeah, I ordered your Giant Death Ray off of Amazon last week. It got here yesterday, I set it up, and it's not working right.

Brad: What seems to be the problem?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I just fired it at Switzerland to prove my evil intent to the United Nations and it fizzled. According to observers on the ground, 3 chickens exploded, a goat lost its equilibrium, and a farmer had a burning sensation when he peed... though I can't be sure we're responsible for that last one.

Brad: Have you tried rebooting the death ray?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Look sonny, I typed up my first plan for world conquest using Paperclip on a Commodore 64. I've been asked "did you reboot" more times than you've been laid.

Brad: Well, did you?

Schmerz von Evilstein: No. When all your death ray blows up is 3 chickens, other things sort of slip your mind. Hold on.... Okay, it's rebooted. Now what?

Brad: Well, you need to test fire it.

Schmerz von Evilstein: I'm not firing it at Switzerland again. If I fire it again and all it does is give a cow indigestion, I'm going to be a laughingstock.

Brad: Is there anywhere else you have people on the ground?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Well, Number #3 did take his daughter to Disneyland for the week.

Brad: That's perfect.

Schmerz von Evilstein: How is that perfect?

Brad: If you destroy Disneyland, the U.N. will think you're highly unstable which will only make them more scared of you. And if nothing happens, no one knows you were planning to attack Disneyland.

Schmerz von Evilstein: That's brilliant! Are you taking evil genius classes at night?

Brad: Correspondence school. I drew a shark with a laser on its head on the back of a matchbook and they gave me a partial scholarship.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Well keep it up. Now, let me get him on the phone... Hello... Number 3... How's Maggie enjoying the California Adventure? Uh-huh... And where are you in the park right now?... Cinderella's Castle... Great... No reason... just hang on for a second and let me know if anything unusual happens... uh-huh... No, I'm not targeting you with a missile... Really... Look, if I wanted you dead, I'd have shot you before you left for vacation... uh-huh... anything odd happening around you now?... Mickey just barfed in his mouse head. That's all? Really?... Okay, thanks. Have a great time. Big hugs to Maggie. Okay. Bye... Brad, did you get that?

Brad: Yup. Let me ask you another question. How are you targeting the death ray? Are you doing line of sight from a moonbase or are you bouncing it off an orbital targeting mirror?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Orbital targeting mirror.

Brad: Which model of the ACME Orbital Targeting Array are you using?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I've got the [mumble, mumble].

Brad: Huh?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I'm using a Shanjen Happy Lucky Super Mirror.

Brad: I'm sorry, but ACME Weapons Systems does not support the use of the Giant Death Ray with non-ACME orbital targeting mirrors. I'm afraid I'm going to have to terminate this conversation. Please call back when you've put an ACME targeting mirror in orbit.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Wait, wait, wait! Isn't there any other troubleshooting we can do that doesn't involve the mirror? Let's say I do spend $20 million to put an ACME targeting mirror in orbit, then it turns out the problem isn't the mirror. Will ACME reimburse me the $20 million.

Brad: No.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Then let's rule out everything but the mirror before I have to buy expensive replacement parts.

Brad: Well, can you do a line of sight targeting? Where's your lair?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I'm not telling you where my lair is. You'll send James Bond to destroy it!

Brad: Sir, if ACME Weapons Systems sent James Bond to every lair we knew about, we wouldn't have any customers. The privacy of our customers, particularly the locations of their hidden lairs, is one of our primary concerns.

Schmerz von Evilstein: My lair's 900 miles southeast of Hawaii.

Brad: Island lair... Are there any other islands visible from your firing platform?

Schmerz von Evilstein: No. We've got a clear view to the horizon in all directions.

Brad: Okay... I'm taking a wild guess here. Are you in a dormant volcano with the death ray on a platform that raises out of the volcano?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Wow, that's one fine correspondence school. You're 100% right.

Brad: Great. Raise the ACME Giant Death Ray out of the volcano and go have one of your henchmen stand on the rim. Then fire it at him.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Alan... Alan! I need you to... ummm... go get a soil sample from the rim of the volcano. Thanks... Oh, and take a walkie talkie with you.

Brad: How long should it take for him to get there? Do you want to call back?

Schmerz von Evilstein: NO! Sorry. No, I am not calling back, sitting on hold for another 38 minutes, and then going through all of this with someone else. It should only take a few minutes. I'll hold... Donna, can you bring up the rim surveilance camera?... Okay. Alan, I need you to move 10 feet to the left.

Brad: Sorry. So he's in position? Giant Death Ray is aimed?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Yes and yes.

Brad: Then fire.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Firing... He's still there. Alan? Alan? How's it going up there?

Alan: Oh my god, I just crapped myself. And it burned when I peed!

Schmerz von Evilstein: So we can take credit for the farmer... Okay, Alan. Stay there. I'll send Ted out to help you down.

Brad: So he didn't disintegrate?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Nope.

Brad: Okay. Did you follow the complete set-up instructions, not just the quick start sheet?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I think so.

Brad: Go to the ACME Weapons Systems Giant Death Ray control panel. Select "system", then "options", then "settings", then "beam", then "preferences", then "beam strength". You should see six setting options... Annoy, Blend, Whip, Chop, Frappe, and Obliterate. What's the beam set on?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Annoy.

Brad: There's your problem. We default the ACME Weapons Systems Giant Death Ray to its lowest setting to prevent accidents during shipping. Just set that to Obliterate and you should be good to go.

Schmerz von Evilstein: [loud "fwazap" is heard in the distance] Woohoo! Alan is toast! Thanks a lot, Brad.

Brad: Glad I could help. Is there anything else we can do for you today?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Nope. That ought to do it.

Brad: Well, then. Thank you for calling ACME Weapons Systems. Have a wonderful day.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Donna! Get the Secretary General on the video screen and target Disneyland again!

UPDATE

I just found an abandoned missile base in Eastern Washington for sale on eBay for $1.5 million. It's an awesome evil genius lair. I must have it. For more details, visit Greg's Secret Lair.

The day after Apple unveiled its iPhone, Cisco filed a trademark infringement lawsuit.

Cisco has owned the trademark on "iPhone" since 2000 when it acquired another company that filed the trademark in 1996, 2 years before Apple publicly got on the "i" bandwagon with the release of the iMac.

Apple calls Cisco's lawsuit "silly". They claim that other companies have been using the iPhone name, that their phone is a cell phone rather than a VoIP phone (giving it differentiation), and that Cisco's trademark registration is tenuous. Apple has been quoted as saying they're ready to go to court on this.

What does all this mean?

First, while patents and copyrights remain enforceable throughout their lifespan, a trademark is "use it or lose it". If you do not actively defend and enforce your trademark, it can be declared invalid.

Second, a tradmark is only on a class of goods. The idea is that the use of the trademarked name cannot create confusion in the marketplace. So goods with different purposes can have the same name as long as it's not going to make consumers believe the two goods are related in some way.

If you're making a line of underwear called "Orange Marmalade" and someone makes a computer monitor called "Orange Marmalade", it's unlikely that consumers will be confused into believing the underwear and monitors are related. But if you were making a line of HDTV flatscreens called "Orange Marmalade", you might have a solid case against the maker of the monitors. Though they technically have different purposes, they're similar enough to make the claim that they will cause confusion among consumers and that the monitor maker is benefitting from and trading on the good reputation you've built for the name.

In this area, I find Apple's claims spurious. They've been pretty vigorous in the enforcement of their trademarks and have made some stretches that go much farther than the cell/VoIP differentiation. While I'm no lawyer and can't say that Apple's apparent hypocrisy will have a legal bearing on this case or on cases regarding the enforcement of their own trademarks, I can only hope it does.

On the matter of enforceability... that's going to have to play out in court. Apple's going to have to show that Cisco has let the name be abused without any attempts to stop it to such an extent as to cause Cisco to lose the right to stop it. But if they do that, are they shooting themselves in the foot? If they get a ruling that Cisco lost its rights to enforce a trademark on iPhone, then they effectively give everyone and their brother the right to create products called "iPhone". Once they get it declared dilluted enough as to be unenforceable, it stays that way. They can go and file their own trademark on it and start trying to enforce it, but any enforcement actions will be a hard fight because the defendants can use their own arguments against them.

Apple was negotiating with Cisco to have a contractual right to use the name, but it appears they thought it would be cheaper to try to knock down Cisco's trademark than to pay whatever licensing fees Cisco was demanding. So rather than sign the contract, they went ahead with their press conference and stopped talking to Cisco.

What's going to be the kicker, though, is if Cisco seeks injunctive relief pending the court case, i.e. Cisco gets a judge to rule that Apple cannot use the iPhone name commercially until the case has been settled one way or another, claiming that Apple's use of the name will cause irreparable harm. I don't think that's going to be too difficult to do and I doubt Cisco hasn't already planned that. With the anticipated June launch date, Apple would have to rebrand quickly or delay the phone.

Or maybe Apple is going to take a page from a company that is suing them...

Apple actually got a court to stop Luxpro from making and marketing its Tangent MP3 player on the claims it was too similar to the iPod Shuffle (the old one that looked like a pack of gum, not the new one that looks like a pack of matches). Despite the fact that LuxPro's model had a screen (which the Shuffle doesn't), had an FM tuner (which the Shuffle doesn't) and played WMA (which the Shuffle doesn't), Apple was able to get the injunction.

That injunction was overturned in December, and now Luxpro is suing Apple for 100 million dollars to compensate them for lost sales and lost opportunities. Perhaps Apple is hoping that the possibility of them pulling a Luxpro on Cisco will keep Cisco from seeking injunctive relief.

In the long run, though, I seriously doubt that either of the parties want this to go to trial and get a ruling. If Apple wins, no one wins, because the name basically becomes generic for internet-enabled phones and Apple cannot stop others from using it. If Cisco wins, then they can do serious damage to Apple in terms of punitive damages for violations, plus the cost of rebranding the phone with a new name and switching all the marketing efforts to it.

I really think that this is just posturing, each side trying to use their argument and the possible outcome of the court case as leverage to win concessions from the other in the licensing agreement that will eventually be signed. The benefits of this court case just don't warrant the risks. This will be settled before June.