ACME Weapons Systems would like to thank you for holding. We appreciate your patience. Your estimated wait time is thirty eight minutes. This call may be recorded for training purposes. Please hold for the next available representative.

Brad: Thank you for calling ACME Weapons Systems tech support. My name is Brad, how may I help you today?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Yeah, I ordered your Giant Death Ray off of Amazon last week. It got here yesterday, I set it up, and it's not working right.

Brad: What seems to be the problem?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I just fired it at Switzerland to prove my evil intent to the United Nations and it fizzled. According to observers on the ground, 3 chickens exploded, a goat lost its equilibrium, and a farmer had a burning sensation when he peed... though I can't be sure we're responsible for that last one.

Brad: Have you tried rebooting the death ray?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Look sonny, I typed up my first plan for world conquest using Paperclip on a Commodore 64. I've been asked "did you reboot" more times than you've been laid.

Brad: Well, did you?

Schmerz von Evilstein: No. When all your death ray blows up is 3 chickens, other things sort of slip your mind. Hold on.... Okay, it's rebooted. Now what?

Brad: Well, you need to test fire it.

Schmerz von Evilstein: I'm not firing it at Switzerland again. If I fire it again and all it does is give a cow indigestion, I'm going to be a laughingstock.

Brad: Is there anywhere else you have people on the ground?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Well, Number #3 did take his daughter to Disneyland for the week.

Brad: That's perfect.

Schmerz von Evilstein: How is that perfect?

Brad: If you destroy Disneyland, the U.N. will think you're highly unstable which will only make them more scared of you. And if nothing happens, no one knows you were planning to attack Disneyland.

Schmerz von Evilstein: That's brilliant! Are you taking evil genius classes at night?

Brad: Correspondence school. I drew a shark with a laser on its head on the back of a matchbook and they gave me a partial scholarship.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Well keep it up. Now, let me get him on the phone... Hello... Number 3... How's Maggie enjoying the California Adventure? Uh-huh... And where are you in the park right now?... Cinderella's Castle... Great... No reason... just hang on for a second and let me know if anything unusual happens... uh-huh... No, I'm not targeting you with a missile... Really... Look, if I wanted you dead, I'd have shot you before you left for vacation... uh-huh... anything odd happening around you now?... Mickey just barfed in his mouse head. That's all? Really?... Okay, thanks. Have a great time. Big hugs to Maggie. Okay. Bye... Brad, did you get that?

Brad: Yup. Let me ask you another question. How are you targeting the death ray? Are you doing line of sight from a moonbase or are you bouncing it off an orbital targeting mirror?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Orbital targeting mirror.

Brad: Which model of the ACME Orbital Targeting Array are you using?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I've got the [mumble, mumble].

Brad: Huh?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I'm using a Shanjen Happy Lucky Super Mirror.

Brad: I'm sorry, but ACME Weapons Systems does not support the use of the Giant Death Ray with non-ACME orbital targeting mirrors. I'm afraid I'm going to have to terminate this conversation. Please call back when you've put an ACME targeting mirror in orbit.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Wait, wait, wait! Isn't there any other troubleshooting we can do that doesn't involve the mirror? Let's say I do spend $20 million to put an ACME targeting mirror in orbit, then it turns out the problem isn't the mirror. Will ACME reimburse me the $20 million.

Brad: No.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Then let's rule out everything but the mirror before I have to buy expensive replacement parts.

Brad: Well, can you do a line of sight targeting? Where's your lair?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I'm not telling you where my lair is. You'll send James Bond to destroy it!

Brad: Sir, if ACME Weapons Systems sent James Bond to every lair we knew about, we wouldn't have any customers. The privacy of our customers, particularly the locations of their hidden lairs, is one of our primary concerns.

Schmerz von Evilstein: My lair's 900 miles southeast of Hawaii.

Brad: Island lair... Are there any other islands visible from your firing platform?

Schmerz von Evilstein: No. We've got a clear view to the horizon in all directions.

Brad: Okay... I'm taking a wild guess here. Are you in a dormant volcano with the death ray on a platform that raises out of the volcano?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Wow, that's one fine correspondence school. You're 100% right.

Brad: Great. Raise the ACME Giant Death Ray out of the volcano and go have one of your henchmen stand on the rim. Then fire it at him.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Alan... Alan! I need you to... ummm... go get a soil sample from the rim of the volcano. Thanks... Oh, and take a walkie talkie with you.

Brad: How long should it take for him to get there? Do you want to call back?

Schmerz von Evilstein: NO! Sorry. No, I am not calling back, sitting on hold for another 38 minutes, and then going through all of this with someone else. It should only take a few minutes. I'll hold... Donna, can you bring up the rim surveilance camera?... Okay. Alan, I need you to move 10 feet to the left.

Brad: Sorry. So he's in position? Giant Death Ray is aimed?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Yes and yes.

Brad: Then fire.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Firing... He's still there. Alan? Alan? How's it going up there?

Alan: Oh my god, I just crapped myself. And it burned when I peed!

Schmerz von Evilstein: So we can take credit for the farmer... Okay, Alan. Stay there. I'll send Ted out to help you down.

Brad: So he didn't disintegrate?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Nope.

Brad: Okay. Did you follow the complete set-up instructions, not just the quick start sheet?

Schmerz von Evilstein: I think so.

Brad: Go to the ACME Weapons Systems Giant Death Ray control panel. Select "system", then "options", then "settings", then "beam", then "preferences", then "beam strength". You should see six setting options... Annoy, Blend, Whip, Chop, Frappe, and Obliterate. What's the beam set on?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Annoy.

Brad: There's your problem. We default the ACME Weapons Systems Giant Death Ray to its lowest setting to prevent accidents during shipping. Just set that to Obliterate and you should be good to go.

Schmerz von Evilstein: [loud "fwazap" is heard in the distance] Woohoo! Alan is toast! Thanks a lot, Brad.

Brad: Glad I could help. Is there anything else we can do for you today?

Schmerz von Evilstein: Nope. That ought to do it.

Brad: Well, then. Thank you for calling ACME Weapons Systems. Have a wonderful day.

Schmerz von Evilstein: Donna! Get the Secretary General on the video screen and target Disneyland again!

UPDATE

I just found an abandoned missile base in Eastern Washington for sale on eBay for $1.5 million. It's an awesome evil genius lair. I must have it. For more details, visit Greg's Secret Lair.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 26th, 2007 at 11:20 am and is filed under Gadgets & Gizmos, Stupid Thoughts, Techno Thoughts. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.