So, my dream of being the next Food Network star is over. The submission deadline finally passed (more on that in a moment), I waited... and waited... and just recently asked one of the other contestants I'd befriended on MySpace if they called him.
They did. A while ago. And then apparently decided to pass. So if they haven't called me by now... they ain't calling.
What sort of pisses me off is that I got my audition video in on time, back when the deadline was the end of July. Then the deadline got moved to September, then mid-October, then late-October, then November. If I'd known I could have four extra months to script, edit, rehearse, and perfect my video, perhaps I might have fared better. Then again, perhaps not.
Of course, earlier this month, Anthony Bourdain made it sound like Food Network's coughing up blood, opining that after dumping Emeril and admitting that they're trying to figure out what direction they really want to go in, they're flailing.
And while Guy Fieri seems to be doing okay, the other "Next Food Network Star" winners have been DOA with their shows. Amy Finley's "Gourmet Nextdoor" is barely watchable. She makes Martha Stewart look like Paula Deen and the only word to describe her performance is "clenched." And those guys who won the first season... I'd think Mario had them whacked, but except for trouncing the competition on "Iron Chef America", it seems Food Network has as much use for him as it does for Emeril.
Jamie Oliver won't save the network. Been there, done that. They need bright new personalities who are also big personalities. They need a new Bobby Flay, a new Paula Deen, a new Mario, a new Emeril, a new Giada, and dare I say a new Rachel Ray. They need people who not only make food fun, but make it look so damn good that you're already slobbering before they have a fake orgasm over their first bite. It has to be more than a good and proficient demonstration, seeming like an expert, and maybe being likeable. The top-rated Food Network chefs.... you trust them.
If you've lived long enough, you've at least once been in a situation where someone offered you something to eat that looked suspicious, but said "trust me, you'll like it." Even my own father, whose culinary skills are pretty darn good, would still have me looking at it from three sides before taking a small tentative bite. But if Mario Battali, or Emeril Lagasse, or Bobby Flay says "trust me, you'll like it," I'd have no hesitation.
I don't get that vibe from Dave Lieberman... or Amy Finley... or Sandra Lee... and only a little from Guy Fieri. I get that vibe from Paula Deen (though I also get a vibe that I'd have a massive coronary if I trusted her for too long) and Giada. Rachel Ray, she's on a culinary par with Guy Fieri, but you want to do her, so she's got the good food and repressed sexuality thing going on, which basically describes about a century of French writing.
I'm not that person. I'm not sexy enough to make women swoon, and my food just isn't on a par with Bobby or Mario... I'd be Guy Fieri lite, and who the hell needs that? So, I guess among the spate of bad decisions Food Network has made recently, their decision not to follow up with me on my audition video probably counts as one of their smarter ones. Still, it would have been nice.
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What would be awesome is a cooking show with John Besh and Michael Symon teamed up. Neither of them could carry a show on their own, but the chemistry they had on "The Next Iron Chef" could make that a very entertaining show.
You got your buddy cop movies. This would be a buddy cook show. Symon would pump up Besh's laid back energy and Besh would take the grating edge off Symon's giggle.